Dating These Days Is Easier Than Ever, But Does It Lead You More Easily to Successful Relationships?

dating these days becomes easier and easier. Or that's the way it looks. Yet, has it led you to develop a successful intimacy? Apparently not - since you still take part in the dating scene, and are reading this article.

At any rate, the easiness in which dating is accessible these days is striking: I've heard stories of people driving their car in a congested city, stopping at a red-light, stretching their head out of the window and asking the driver in the car next to them for his/her name. The driver in the other car already knows the purpose of such a request, but nonetheless shouts his/her name out-loud. It is then a matter of seconds to find out their profile on Facebook, ask for their friendship, and to roll it on from there. Similarly, you can just look up friends-of-friends on Facebook, look at their profile, find those who live in your vicinity (unless you like long-distance relationships which help you deal with your fear of commitment), and, once again, you roll on with whatever happens.

Also, when you get any kind of response on your inquiries on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn or other similar social network sites, you can easily chat and sms with the other person, in order "to get to know him/her" before you meet face-to-face for the first time. Aren't these time-saving times? Hasn't technology become an integral part of dating?

And in addition to all these, there are one thousand and one dating sites which just wait for you to enroll with, promising that when you do you will be able to meet a large volume of singles "just like yourself", and there is no reason you won't find your "soul-mate" (or just a partner) among the many profiles.

In addition, you can also go on speed-dating, and just like with simultaneous chess-games, you can meet several potential others in one short evening!

So if it seems so easy to date these days, why hasn't it become easier to develop a satisfying relationship? If there are so many avenues to dating others, why isn't it easier for you to find a partner that suits you? And if you can go on as many dates as you wish, what makes it still difficult for you to develop a satisfying and successful intimacy?

It is neither the quantity that counts, nor the accessibility of dating

Quantity doesn't mean quality. Research done years ago in the field of child development has shown that it isn't the quantity of time a mother spends with her baby, but the quality. A mother who spends only a short amount of time with her baby, but when she does it is a quality time - talking with the baby, reading stories out-loud and explaining things - is preferred than a mother who is home all day long but doesn't spend time talking with the baby and explaining things (Similar research done today would have focused apparently on both parents).

Same issue of quantity versus quality holds true with dating: the quantity and easiness with which dating is accessible these days doesn't guarantee a quality of "meetings of the mind" between the two who meet and a greater chance of expanding a given date into a meaningful relationship.

Why?

Because quantity and easiness might blind you from the real issue at hand: as dating becomes an easier and easier "adventure", you might think that if a given date doesn't materialize, well, nothing happened: there are thousands others available out there, and you have at your disposal hundreds ways of reaching out to them.

The problem is that perceiving dating to be so easy and accessible might deter you from trying to understand what stands behind your unsuccessful attempts at developing a satisfying relationship. You become so accustomed to take a part in the dating scene, that you might convince yourself that it is only a matter of time until you'll find someone with whom to develop an intimacy. With so much availability out there, someone will eventually turn out to be the one for you, isn't it so?

But if you wish to not prolong this possibility too long, and if you wholeheartedly wish to develop a satisfying intimacy, what you might want to consider is "changing tactics": rather than keep trying to date endlessly with easy prey (and there are so many like these out there), take your time to determine what really is important for you in an intimate relationship; what kind of a person you really want to meet; and, most important of all, get in touch with what might have hindered your attempts at developing a successful relationship until now. There must be something in you that drives you to sabotage your attempts. Do you know what this "something" is? Can you stop letting it hurt you and harm your attempts?

The holidays might provide you with an opportunity of a quality time in which to think, reflect, and get in touch with whatever this "something" is that hindered your attempts until now. Taking advantage of the holidays in this respect may be a step well-considered.

Believing In Other People

When I'm at my best spiritually it seems a mandatory thing to me to believe in others - to honour their story - to accept their pain - to tolerate their offences.
I understand everyone has their struggles.

Every person has their snare; that fatal flaw that puts people off-side.

Ours is to take their side so that we are not lost to dissonance, indifference, hate or resentment because of them or their behaviour. This doesn't mean we represent injustice, but it does mean we have room in our hearts for compassion where the rest of the world would despise them.

We hold two balls in the air simultaneously: the appropriate justice, especially where victims are involved, and so being their ally and advocate, but also we have tolerance for the perpetrator.

BEING A FRIEND TO THE FRIENDLESS

Most of us would not like to admit that there are friendless people, who struggle enormously to be accepted. We know who these are; everyone knows one or two. Our role, as Christians, is to play for advocacy to the outlier, the marginalised, the socially vanquished; to be their friend, genuinely.

These are all most important times; each interaction we have.

I have to believe in others or I begin to doubt them in a bout of cynicism, and then I'm on the slippery slope away from God. My Lord wants me to hold onto my faith in people, such that I am beyond hurting them (even if these are the types who hurt me or those I love).

This is God's ideal - that the Spirit's harmony endures forever, because it does.

When I or we believe in the sanctity of the God-created soul - notwithstanding the sinful nature - we see people more as God sees them. Sure, human beings are capable of awful atrocities, but just as much, when they are loved, do they respond (and even initiate) by loving acts that are approved by God.

Even though we may be taken by some as fools, to believe in someone rotten, we have decided that judgment is a role for God alone. Who are we, really, to not believe in another person, who we cannot know as God knows them?

***

When we believe in another person, and in other people, our faith is buoyed by virtuous insight. The more we believe in others, the more God shows us his love as it operates in their lives. The more open our hearts are in receiving others gracefully, the more others receive us gracefully. And the more grace is known, the more love is shown - these are acts of involuntary care and mutual respect that go beyond verbal communication to communicate love via action.

Most of all, when we believe in other people we appreciate more how much God believes in us, and our faith in all things good is fortified.

© 2012 S. J. Wickham.

This article is brought to you by PERSONALS.

Why Is Emailing So Important?

So you want to find all the success in the world with women and have decided to sign online to try to find one. This is more than understandable, as it is very hard for most people these days to meet in the daily routine of life. We are all constantly on the go, moving from place to place, busy twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, and just trying to survive the daily grind as best as possible.

So we sign online and try to find someone. But many of us start to run into problems when we decide to make this potentially life changing decision. We find that it is quite a bit harder to meet someone than we originally thought it would be. And so we search the internet, scour the world for online dating advice, and eventually wind up visiting articles such as this one to find the answers that we are seeking out.

Well I have some good news. I will tell you the secret to online dating success and it all involves the emailing techniques that we use. We need to create emails that will garner the interest from women all over the internet by learning how to properly build attraction with females. There are hundreds of ways to build this attraction that we need to build to succeed.

One of the most popular ways is to show women how funny we are. If we write first emails to the women we wish to date and make them laugh, not only will we rise above the other boring men like heroes, standing out among all the millions and millions of other insanely boring and monotonous emails out there, but we will make these women think that we are indeed fun guys, who are without a doubt worth of going a date with.

In addition, we need to make sure our emails are as unique and interesting as possible if we are striving to receive that ever elusive first response that often seems to evade us all so easily. Being interesting means being original with the words we write and saying something, anything, that helps us to stand out from everyone else.

When all is said and done we have to be different from everyone else to find online dating success. So put some work into those emails and get through to these women. You can do it. Good luck!

Deciding About Your Relationship - When Is the Right Time to Decide?

While I am happy for many of my clients and friends who will get to celebrate this holiday season with their friends and loved ones, my heart goes out to those sad and frustrated people who may be dreading the holidays because they are feeling stuck, numb and confused in their unhappy relationships. It is for these people that I am writing this article.

I have noticed that January seems to be a big month for couples looking for help to improve their relationships. It seems that they don't want to rock the boat dealing with issues during Christmas time. So many put on a brave front and smile, while inside they wish they were somewhere else and possibly with someone else. What a sad way to spend the holidays!

Making the decision to stay or leave is very difficult and can be exhausting and stressful. Everyone needs to consider all their options; how people will react, if they are doing the right thing, will their children suffer, what about finances, what about the guilt? These are all real and valid questions that need to be addressed and dealt with. However, it can also be a relief to actually finally make that decision. Once the decision is made, you are no longer in limbo and can start having a plan and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Making the decision to stay means re-focusing on your relationship, and committing to do whatever it takes to make it work. The good news is that with this commitment, even if in the end it does not work out, at least you can tell yourself, your children and your family, that you did everything you could.

Making the decision to leave can be even more challenging. Aside from all the preparation and planning it will take, you also need to be strong enough to deal with all the repercussions. I think this is a step many people forget. They know that they have the make a decision, but they may not realize that just because they have been thinking about it for years, they should not assume that their family and friends will easily accept it. For many, this news will come as a shock and the children and even the partner can react very strongly and negatively to this decision. You need to be ready to deal with their reactions as well.

Even once you decide to leave, remember there is no pressure or timeline to act on the decision immediately. You may leave today, tomorrow or even next year. You can take your time, build up your self-esteem, find out your rights, get your finances in order, even go for counseling for support and help to get through this stressful time. There is no question there will be highs and lows. You need to be prepared to do battle and win. On the average, it takes a woman up to 5 years, to make the decision to leave a marriage or long-term relationship. But once they have made it, few regret it or look back. Most of the comments I have received from men and women who, after serious contemplation and efforts have separated, tell me they should have left years ago.

I am not here to urge anyone to leave or to give up and stay in an unhappy relationship; but it may be time to start really analyzing and coming to a decision, even if you are no ready yet to follow through on it. It will help you to get out of limbo and feel back in control. It can alleviate you from feeling powerless and stuck to now having a goal to strive for.

Ending this year with a decision that you know is right for you is empowering. Remember your relationship is what you are modeling for your children for how relationships should be. Your children will very likely choose a partner in life who will repeat the same patterns as they have experienced in their own childhood. You need to ask yourself "If this is not a relationship I would want for my children, then how can I justify staying in it myself." Remember it is not what you tell your children that affect them the most; it is the choices you make and how you cope with life.

This article is brought to you by DATING SERVICE.

Christmas With Dating Site

The Christmas holidays is fast approaching and almost everyone is getting ready for its coming. In fact, people engaged in business are preparing their best offers and giveaways for their beloved clients. The Internet dating service is not an exception as they need to provide new methods and strategies in their site for members to enjoy their services more. These online dating sites should entice new members to join them by offering bonuses and discounts for their products, aside from the free registration and the free usage of the features found in their sites.

The goal of the free online dating services should be to attract as many new members as possible in order to grow their site. They want to increase their database so that their members will have more success in meeting their objective, that of finding their ideal partner. Hence, these sites try to invent something new such as a new feature in order to amuse most of their clients. First and foremost, dating sites need to improve their logo and design by incorporating a holiday atmosphere within their pages. Members will definitely be pleased and new members will be enticed to join them once they reflect winter ambience or Christmas holidays in the site. It pays to be creative such as including Christmas images like Christmas trees, bells, stars, and Santa's hat. The logo or design of the present site should also be modified to match the colours of the background.

Holiday marketing for the website should also include giving discounts and prizes for the deserving members. Even the top dating website is encouraged to do this in order to maintain their database and grow their site. It is easy to create a competition urging most of the members to join and offer prizes for the winners. Prizes are highly appreciated such as giving gifts for users who are the most popular, active, funniest, most beautiful, and so on. The rating feature or voting module can be used for this purpose or you can utilize a newsletter and ask all members to vote for their choices. Members can be choose what presents they would like to receive this Christmas as well as post their resolutions for the coming New Year. This will surely be entertaining features when included in the site. You can even open a new section solely for Christmas dating and request those members who had holiday experiences to share. A lot of members will be glad to read the stories and the best story can be awarded with a special prize.

Another interesting activity for members of online dating sites is to make them extra busy during the Christmas holidays. They can be requested to update their profile pages and involve them in the celebration. They can be informed through email so that they can renew their photo galleries by uploading images with them donning Christmas costumes or holding pets and presents. Most of them would like this idea especially in creating a holiday atmosphere and making their page very attractive for Christmas.

Conflict Resolution With Loved Ones

Once in a while, I get into an argument. Sometimes, it's a hundred times a week. I like to think I know a little something about arguments and how to resolve them. Here are a few things I have managed to learn in my journeys:

Fact: The people you will argue the hardest with, unless you're a politician or protester (but even still, I think I'm right about this), are the people you love.

Avoid an entire argument. Take the above note about "arguing worst with the people you love" into consideration when you have something mean to say about that person. And even if, by chance, you do have some evidence that you are right, it's all about the approach. "You always" and "I hate when you" are phrases that (1) you are hurting someone with, and (2) will effectively take the argument nowhere productive.

Saying "I feel" or an equivalent at the beginning of a sentence and not following immediately with "like you always" will get you further in conflict resolution than accusing someone of something whether or not it is true. I repeat: Don't say "you always", ever. Make the point you have a general statement instead of one strictly about that person. E.g. "I feel like you aren't happy about going to the hockey game. Is everything OK?" instead of "You always have a frown on your face about everything. What's your problem this time?" How would you personally respond to each? Probably not nicely to the second statement.

Besides, the problem you're having likely isn't with 'every time' you go to a hockey game, that person has a frown on her face. 'Today' brought the issue up (re-surfaced or not), and you would like to resolve today's problem. Perhaps by resolving today's issue, you can look back upon 'every time' and see what was wrong all along, yes?

It works in defense as well. E.g. "I feel stupid when you tell me I chew too loudly in public," instead of "You always have to say something to embarrass me in front of other people!" Another example: "I felt bad when despite my efforts you said I didn't [recycle properly, drive properly, cook dinner right; whatever your situation]". Again, think of how you would react to someone saying either thing in retort to something you said: Escalation or a bit more reserved?

Accept things about yourself. Sometimes others are right. Try to figure out what you can do to improve if you realize it's something you'd like to improve upon. Ask the person, "What can I do to change?" If the person offers no suggestion, as is common, you have two options: (1) Think to yourself, "How can I improve on this?"; (2) figure it was a criticism, not a constructive comment, therefore it's their problem, and move on. To hell with the realization that you should probably do something a better way.

The first is the better option. Remember: People are historically great at criticizing and tremendously awful at offering any real solution. You may want to resolve things by not escalating outwardly, but you can still upstage them internally. Change what it is if it will make you feel better so that you can honestly say to yourself while they might have once been right, they now are wrong.

Another big thing: Not saying sorry when you realize you're creating more problems than are worthy of the original situation. Just apologize. It's not very hard. "I'm sorry." You'd be surprised what those words can fix. And offer some reassurance. Mean what you say.

No resolution? Take the high ground. Don't escalate, don't sit silently burning angry thoughts through your brain. Go somewhere else and do something else (read, write a letter to that person which you'll never show them, light said letter on fire in a non-flammable container preferably outside, blog about the experience even if you save it as 'Private'), but not before saying "I've made my points, I had hoped we'd resolve this, and if you want to discuss it more, we can. Until then, I'll be [going for a walk, sleeping on the couch, waiting for your call, in the other room; sculpting a statue of you with bananas sticking out of your eye sockets and nostrils]." Maybe don't use the last example in that quote.

If they don't want to resolve it after that, chalk it all up to their lack of communication skills, consider their criticisms of you idle and move on. Any criticisms given clearly didn't have any real basis beyond that person's need to argue. Some people are bored, really bored. Remember that.

Big Life Tip: Use common sense. The people you fight with most are the people most hurt by you. If that's somebody close to you, approach the situation like you actually care about making an improvement, not just about making a criticism.

This article is brought to you by FREE PERSONALS.

Detaching Tips for Letting Go

Have you been told, "Just let go of it," or tell yourself, "I have to let go," but wonder, how? I've asked myself that question. Sometimes you want to let go of a worry or an obsession about someone else. You may try to detach, but can't. Other times when you can't move forward after a major loss, or when you need to unwind from a busy work schedule. Each case has different challenges, but fundamentally, they all require a shift in attention from the mind into the body and from the past or future into the present. Letting go can be a rejuvenating practice that brings the mind and body into balance for clarity, peace, and heightened functioning. Willingness to accept the things I cannot change."

Depending upon what you're letting go if, it can take moments or years. When you're letting go of someone you love, it's not easy, nor pain free. However, it's human nature to avoid pain, even if the price is long-term misery. When the source of frustration, loss or stress is ongoing, letting go becomes a process of developing a new, beneficial orientation toward life.

Letting go may require repeated efforts to shift your consciousness away from the problem. When you're obsessing about or judging someone, you may need to detach and question some basic assumptions about your ability to control, or even influence, the person's feelings and behavior. You may need to ask for what you need or want or set boundaries. Sometimes, worry and anxiety is due to underestimation of your ability to overcome an obstacle or loss. Worry can be paralyzing and lead to depression and despair.

Guilt or resentment can rob you of your life and happiness and keep you frozen in the past. The antidote may involve compassion for yourself or someone else, amends, or other communication.

Generally, too much feeling or too much thinking can limit your ability to live your life. If you're obsessing, it can be helpful to make contact with sensation, including emotion. When you're overwhelmed with anger or another emotion, using your body - especially when you're angry - or doing something that requires mental attention, like puzzles or math, can be helpful. In both cases, creativity is a wonderful way to uplift you, calm your mind, and soothe your emotions.

Here are some things you can do:

1. Detach

When it comes to worrying and obsessing about a person or problem, understand the principles of detachment. (Chapter 9 in Codependency for Dummies goes into detail about nonattachment.) Analyze what you have the power to change and what you don't. If effective action is necessary, take it.

2. Pray

Many people unaccustomed to daily prayer don't think of asking for help, particularly out loud. This gesture in itself is one of surrender that relinquishes the ego's hold on the problem and allows for new information or an altered perspective to appear. Prayer is effective to help you accept what you cannot change. The Serenity Prayer begins, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... " Sometimes, you might have to pray for the "willingness to accept the things I cannot change."

3. Journal

Writing about your feelings or writing them in the form of a letter can be a release from mental obsession. If you're letting go of someone, write them a good-bye letter. This can be useful even to someone who's died. You can dialogue with the person by writing his or her response with your nondominant hand. Read your words to a trusted friend, sponsor, or therapist for added relief.

4. Distract Yourself

When you're too much in your head, shift gears, and do something physical that's enlivening, absorbing or relaxing. Put on music and dance, workout, or garden. Play and creativity also shift your autonomic nervous system and use other parts of your brain. Painting provided relief for me on September 11th.

5. Relax

Most people think they're relaxed while still holding a great deal of tension. It's helpful to lie down and allow your body weight to sink into the floor. Notice where you hold yourself and give into gravity, and then let go.

Try progressive relaxation, starting at the feet and proceeding to your scalp and forehead. Tighten for five seconds and then release the tension in each muscle group. Afterword, scan your body for any area of restriction, particularly the eyes, stomach, and jaw. Discover where your body tends to grip. The slightest tension around the eyebrows restricts the flow of energy throughout the body. This can be a prime area or storing daily stress, particularly for people regularly viewing a computer screen.

6. Allow Your Feelings

Change can only happen in the present. Coming into your body and into the moment return you to your power source. Interrupt your mental activity, place your hand on your chest, and ask yourself, "What am I feeling?" It may start with awareness of sensation in your body. Emotion that's been feeding anxiety, an obsession, grief, or frustrated attempts to fix or control a situation may surface. Deep release can also be accompanied by shaking or jerky movements - much like a cat twitching during his nap.

Once you're in present time and centered in yourself, your perspective changes away from a narrow focus on the "problem" or person. You gain a more realistic appraisal of the situation, including your limitations. You reconnect to life itself, and often new opportunities and solutions present themselves.

Find Free "14 Tips for Letting Go" at my website.

© Darlene Lancer 2012

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