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Ex Girlfriends Are Hard to Get Back - Want to Know Why It Seems That Way?
Online Dating Advice for Guys - 3 Tips for Attracting a Woman Online
An Important Chinese Dating Question
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Dating Advice for Men - Three Mistakes of Inexperience
How To Get Your Ex Back If You Need A Helping Hand
Ending the Journey of Hurt and Pain
Online Dating Tips: Two Killer Secrets of a Winning Profile
My Ex Girlfriend Broke My Heart and I Still Want Her Back
The feeling of heartbreak is one that is really hard to shake off. It's one thing to be disappointed when a relationship comes to an end, it's another thing to feel like you are literally heartbroken over it. If you feel that way and you also feel as though you want her back - you can end up feeling almost like you don't have any real choice but to just stay in that state of being heart broken. Of course, that is a terrible state to stay in and really, it doesn't help you out any if you are trying to win her back but you don't feel like you can.
Here are some tips that will help if you are heartbroken and you want your ex girlfriend back:
1. Shift your thinking from missing her to thinking about getting her back.
The more you think about how much you miss your ex girlfriend, the deeper you are going to go into a depression over the break up. You don't want to do that to yourself. What you need to do is to start thinking about getting her back and I want to make that distinction of thinking about getting her back and not just wanting her back. Wanting her back is still kind of a powerless feeling. Getting her back means that you know that it can be done.
2. Don't allow her to see that you are heartbroken right now.
It's definitely not a sexy quality to be seen as having a broken heart. You don't want to allow your ex girlfriend to see you that way if you can help it. You want her to see you feeling happy and alive, because that is way more attractive than being mopey and sad about the break up.
3. To get your ex girlfriend to come back, you are going to need to know how to get her turned on again.
The last thing that you should try to do if you want her to come back to you is to try and state your reasoning and then hope that it is going to just resonate with her. That doesn't usually prove to be the way to go about it. What does tend to work most of the time is to make your ex girlfriend feel really turned on by you again so that she has a tremendous desire to want to end up back in a relationship with you.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Letting the 'Young Man' Go
Watch Out for Desperate Chinese Women
Great Tips On How to Make Your Relationship Work
Get Your Ex Back By Prioritizing That Special Person
Sunday, February 24, 2013
The Ultimate 1st Date
Something that stirs all the senses: Food
My life revolves around food, and not in some sick sort of way. I am not obese, but I like to cook and I love to eat, and the ambiance, of a great restaurant. A chef once told me he loves knowing he"is setting up the evening for lovers to make love after they eat his food."
That chef had a bit of an ego, but he was right, nonetheless. A great 1st date should entice the senses. People are at their best when a good atmosphere is invoked with food. Look at all the great movies: Like Water for Chocolate, Babette's Feast, Chocolate... the list goes on and on. We like our food, but we never really say it quite enough: food is an aphrodisiac, and not just oysters. Food and eating, and tasting, and smacking our lips around, and watching our date eat, and enjoy. Think about that. Food being broken down with our canines, incisors, ewww... so enticing... but this is our primal nature. So, for good God's sake, make a 1st date, women, men, who ever is the initiator of the date, it is up to you to make it powerful and use the senses to make memories because the olfactory nerves or what's going to make her/him remember you. A medical study, cited as Herz and Engen, 1996 states: "Only two synapses separates the olfactory nerves from the Hippocampus, which has implicated in memory... indeed this is why odor-evoked memories are unusually emotionally potent."
So, what's effecting your date is not so much what your wearing, she's not tasting and chewing that (or maybe if your lucky she is), she is tasting and smelling the drink and food, and the music is playing, ahhh... yes, the rhythm is going along with the food. She is remembering this while you watch her eyes glint and shine, and her mouth salivate... you are evoking all the senses to come and play... and the great complicated mind is creating a memory with smell, her brain praises you and gleans for more. She is remembering you right now... and this memory will long to make more similar memories. Science is a tricky little thing, because you forget about it, but it is always at the root of why we date in the first place, we are animals with instincts and are made up of chemicals and pheromones that respond to our environment, like a cat hunting its prey.
The New Pheromone Trend in Dating
On a larger scale, there's a new way to find a date, purely through smell. Pheromone parties are being hosted in Los Angeles and bigger cities, getting singles to connect to their dates, purely through smell. Ahh... if the world only was that barbaric still. We'd women be clubbed, and the men, oh, the men, wouldn't be complaining much because they'd still be grunting, not talking. Evolution has provided us with details on why women and men are attracted to pheromones in choosing their mates, study show its because it prevents inbreeding, and choosing a mate who is ovulating. However, we are (hopefully) intellectually able to curb this more animalistic style of just hopping on a person who happens to just be dropping an egg. The parties that are becoming a hit in the cities, derived from a web developer named Judith Prays, who remembered a guy's smell, but not him. Mhmmm... so Prays resorted to a kind of smell whats in the bag kind of thing and found that couples were hitting it off. But mostly couples were hitting it off, because they had a funny, great icebreaker. Two people smelling dirty shirts and underwear? Doesn't get more olfactory binding than that!
Of course this is all based on an article that I just read in the Huffington Post, and have yet to do a laundry smelling party myself. However, as a chef, who is not setting the stage "for people to make love" as my chef friend said, I am more interested in creating the memory of taste and smell that evokes a certain remembrance of time, that you want to go back to. Nostalgia. I have nostalgia for the meals and wine I have partook, and the company that brought me there. It's also not just the food, taste, or smell; the brain also needs another intellectual resource to bind the memory into place. This is how we involved. We need a counterpart, a feeling of intense warmness and safe being, where one in the midst's of smelling dirty laundry or eating Brie with champagne, must feel and remember like it was home, and not dangerous. Comfort food if you will for the senses. This I believe leads to the next date...
What if I got ten bucks?
If you have ten bucks, it's picnic time and the gods will save you with pine and eucalyptus. Many people feel down trodden about the whole picnic, outdoors thing. There's nothing more invigorating than fresh air, and once again, the olfactory nerves will remember the surrounds stronger when a person is in a natural setting, surrounded by natural smells. You want the person to remember you; a picnic with fresh fruit is all you need. Sprinkle a little Sugar on those strawberries before you go, the sugar induces the already natural sweetness in the strawberry juices. Everything, big and small matters. Get creative dating, the world is filled with smells, including, hopefully the most enticing one of all, your own.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
How to Choose Between Two Men
Are you involved in a committed relationship, but falling head over hill for someone else. Well, there will come a time when you will have to make a decision on who you want to be with. The tips below will help you to do just that.
Pay attention to your emotional state
You may be confused right now. But it will be worth your while to take the time to understand the way you are feeling. Do you still love your boyfriend or are you nostalgic about the past? Are you really in love with your lover or are you in lust? Guilt and shame are other emotions that you may be experiencing. Maybe your boyfriend treats you well and it is hurting you to want someone else. You may also resent your lover for coming into your life, although you maybe excited about seeing them. However, you do know that your life will never be the same again. You are half way out the door of your pre-existing relationship and desperate to keep the door of the new one from shutting in your face.
Be honest with yourself about the way you feel
You can't control the way you feel about other people. However, the longer it takes for you to admit that you feel the way you do, the stronger your feelings can become. You are not right or wrong for feeling the way you do. So go ahead and acknowledge the fact that these feelings exist.
Weigh your options
Love is not enough to keep a relationship together. You must ask yourself several questions. Which partner loves me the most? Which partner is better able to give me what I want and need? With which partner am I more compatible? And, who makes me happiest? Knowing the answer to these questions will help you to make the best choice for yourself.
Talk to both men involved in the situation
It will be hard. But you must let them know how you feel. It is unfair to your current boyfriend for you to make plans to be with someone else while he believes you are happy together. It is also not a good idea to allow your lover to believe you are about to leave your boyfriend as you try to patch things up. You may discover that your boyfriend has been feeling the same way and didn't know how to tell you. And, now you are both relieved. Or you may discover that your lover has no intentions of getting involved in a committed relationship with you--- making your decision a lot easier.
Friday, February 22, 2013
How to End an Informal Email in Online Dating
Tips on How to Text a Girl
Do You Love an Alcoholic?
Einstein's Theory of Dating Relativity Part Two
Here are more of Albert Einstein's timeless thoughts on dating.
1. "Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."
I call this the "kill two birds with one stone" syndrome. The first date should NEVER be about anything other than the date. In my opinion, dating is all about seduction. I mean, seriously, what else could it be about - finding a tennis partner? No! There will be plenty of time for football games and family barbeques and running errands together, but the first date should be devoid of the things that will cause major distractions. Even if it's just a meet and greet for coffee, the date will be more memorable for her (and profitable for you) if the guy can maintain his focus.
2. "I have no special talent, I am only passionately curious."
I was sitting at a Panera Bread the other day doing some work. There are fewer places in this world that bring together fabulous eye candy to soothe the male soul. One such woman sat immediately to my left. She was with a guy, but I only knew this because I glanced up and saw him. She spoke incessantly, and had a great time doing it.
I'm not saying a guy should be silent - of course not. However, he should demonstrate he is a good listener and draw the conversation to subjects that bring them closer. Many men believe impressing a woman is going to win her over. That's true, except the attributes that will really impress her are not your cash, job, exploits, or toys. It is other "skills" she is searching for in a guy: the ability to converse, laughing together, making her feel that she is the only woman in a crowded room. When a woman concludes, "he really gets me," he usually does. Know what I mean?
3. "The only source of knowledge is experience."
I hope many, many men are reading and profiting from my articles and stories. That's why I do this. However, all this information is for naught if a guy does not get out there and date. "Practice, practice, practice"is one of my personal mantras. Many online dating sites have thousands of female members, and it is highly unlikely a man will find his dream girl on the very first date, or the second; it could take dozens. With the right attitude, those dates are not wasted at all, but provide the experience a man needs to be ready when the right woman comes into his life. At that moment, he desperately wants to be ready, and certainly doesn't want to screw it up. Experience can give a man the knowledge to say and do the right things at the right time.
4. "You can't blame gravity for falling in love."
Gravity is a fixed factor. On our earth it is 9.8 meters per second-square. We fancy that dating and relationships can be just as sure. "If I do this, she will do that," but it just does not work that way. Those guaranteed methods of seduction available on the internet will do one thing for sure - make a wallet lighter. A wise man named Robert Heinlein said, "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." If a woman feels no attraction or chemistry, a man may as well be a flea. He is not going to win her romantic affection. Sure, rejection can hurt. Relax - there are over three billion more women on the planet. You've still got a fighting chance.
5. "Sometimes one pays the most for things one gets for nothing."
A friend was speaking with his ex, and she mentioned seeing in the newspaper that an old friend had been arrested for soliciting a prostitute. Just to get one more dig in, she asked, "Have you ever paid for sex?"
"Every time I ever had it," he shot back. She hung up.
We were not created to pay for sex. Nor is assurance of our emotional well being intended to be a costly transaction. Yet it is so for many. We had no control over the way our parents raised us, and the influences that critically shaped our lives are largely out of our control. So we live with bundles of hoarded garbage that manipulate the ways we relate to others, especially the ones we call intimates.
We don't have to pay forever. Emotional well being is supposed to be the norm. Sometimes, a vast quantity of work is required to get to the right place. It's worth the effort. Change, real change is possible. Yeah, this relates to dating. Emotional freedom will revolutionize confidence and the way you relate to the ones you date.
Does Every New Relationship Feel Like DeJa Vu? How To Break That Pattern
We, as humans, are creatures of habit. But while patterns and rituals are typically helpful in maximizing brain space, certain patterns in our relationships don't usually serve us. For example, finding yourself in the "same relationship" over and over again can feel like déjà vu- and not in a good way. If you find yourself saying "hmm, I've been here before." and feel caught in the same issues with one relationship after another, maybe it's time to take a look at your particular relationship MO in order to break the pattern once and for all, so that you can find the person you're really looking for and then make that relationship thrive.
The first thing to acknowledge is what you really like about new relationships in the first place. Is it something specific to this new and unique person, or is it that intoxicating feeling of excitement and intrigue that comes with almost any initial attraction? Chances are, it's the "high" you have when you first connect with a perspective new partner along with the exciting prospect of a new relationship-with all the related fantasies- and the great sexual attraction. This together can feel so ecstatic and so right. Rogers and Hart nailed it in the song, "Falling In Love With Love." It's not until that initial fire dies down that you get to see if the relationship stands the true test of time. After this "honeymoon" period, you have a choice: move on to the next short-term relationship (aka déjà vu) or explore the prospect of you and your partner moving the relationship toward long-term status. At this point, do you find yourself having the same issues and arguments you did the last time around? For example, is this person scared of commitment just like the last person you dated? Are you blaming him or her for your disappointment that the effortless initial passion you had together has gone away-as by definition, initial passion always does?
So now is the time to ask yourself what's the pattern I keep finding myself in that keeps me from having the long term relationship I want? Once you recognize your specific pattern and take responsibility for it, you have empowered yourself to break that pattern and avoid revisiting your old relationship traps. For example, if you find that you often become another person's rebound relationship, you can make sure to ask the right questions to satisfy yourself that a new person you meet is ready for a new relationship. Also ask yourself what do I really want now that's different? Make sure you enter the dating world with clear criteria for what you're seeking in a new partner. In other words, use your head as well as your heart when searching for a mate. For example, if you've found yourself more than once in a situation with a person who is smothering or too demanding of your time, you may want to make sure a new partner has enough of a life of his or her own this time.
Remember: recognizing and then moving beyond the patterns that haven't worked up until now is the most important step you can take toward find a truly fulfilling and long-term relationship.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
How Do I Find a Girlfriend Soon? 3 Tips for Speeding Up the Process
More Men Are Attracted To You Than You Think - Their Body Language Prove It
Most women can regularly categorise themselves as one of two types: attractive types or not so attractive types. Most women believe that if they get more attention than others it's because they're more attractive. On the other end of the scale, women believe that if they don't receive much attention from men, it's because they're unattractive.
In my experience. these two categories are complete codswallop. The real division between women is between those who are aware of the attention they receive and those who are not.
Some women are aware the minute a man thinks anything remotely sexual about them. It's like they have a radar scanner going on that detects every complimentary thought. Not a sideways glance or even the quietest of whistles escapes this girl's attention.
This first type of woman is confident. She knows men are attracted to her and she likes it.
And then there's the second type of woman. Women of this type believe themselves to be unattractive. They don't believe men are interested in them. That's why, whenever they here a compliment or whenever they think a man's admiring them, they immediately presume that there must be some other reason for the attention. It couldn't possibly be because the guy's interested, he just happened to accidentally smack my butt while gazing admiringly in my eyes.
This second type of woman has little confidence. She doesn't believe men are attracted to her and she feels unattractive as a result.
Now imagine both these women receive precisely the same amount of attention. The confident woman and the unconfident woman both receive ten compliments, for instance. Based on their personalities, the confident woman will believe that all ten compliments were the result of her stunning beauty and irresistibility. The unconfident woman, however, will believe that there was an ulterior motive for every single compliment.
Both receive the same amount of attention. Yet both perceive that attention in very different ways.
If you're one of the second type of woman, the type who receives attention but constantly presumes there's some ulterior motive for it, our best course of action is to train yourself to be able to recognise male attention. The best way to do that is by learning a little about male body language.
The next time you feel uncertain about a man's feeling, simply consult this list of body language gestures. The list is a tick-list of different body language gestures men naturally show when attracted to a woman. The list is based on scientific studies in nonverbal communication. In other words, it's based on fact.
Male Body Language Signs of Attraction
Men will show the following body language signs when attracted to a woman:
- Dilated pupils while looking at you
- Licking lips
- Fleetingly gazes at sexual areas
- He caresses objects for no reason
- Accidentally bumping into you to get your attention
- Moving a chair closer to you
- Doing various things to get closer to you
- Gazing at you from across the room
- Holds your gaze when you look at him or (for shy guys) looks away awkwardly
- His belly button points towards you
- His feet point towards you
- He raises his eyebrows when you look at him
- He leans towards you
- Face grows red when you look at him
- Fidgets nervously with clothes or face when talking to you or looking at you
- Preening
- Flexing muscles or doing something to make himself look bigger
If a guy performs six or more of these gestures while around you, he is attracted to you.
It's important to be honest when using this list. You need to let go of your debilitating belief that people are not attracted to you. Instead, learn to observe men objectively. If a guy shows the body language gestures we have covered above while around you, you know-regardless of your disbelief-that he is attracted to you.
More men are attracted to you than you think. Use this list and you will prove it to yourself. You will be shocked to discover how many men are attracted to you.
Are You Ready to Date Chinese Women?
If you are looking for a life partner on a Chinese dating site, it would probably be because you sincerely believe Chinese women possess the traits you are looking for in a wife and can offer you the kind of companionship and love that women from your own culture cannot. As with all things related to love and relationships, however, things are not as simple as finding a person with the right blend of characteristics. Many times, in fact, people end up with those they would normally not be able to get along with, much less tolerate. But love has reasons which reason cannot understand, as the French philosopher, Blaise Pascal, said.
Chinese women, indeed, possess a number of traits that make them very suitable life partners. Compared to women from the west, and even some women from other eastern cultures, the women of China were molded by thousands of years worth of good family values. A lot of these values have, of course, served to oppress them for much of their history. At the same time, these values have made devotion and faithfulness innate characteristics of China women. There are, however, other deeply-ingrained and culturally-endowed traits that may clash against yours and, at the least, make you shake your head at times or, at the worst, really test your patience.
One such trait that you will have to learn to accept is the importance of "face" to the Chinese. More specifically, they are obsessed with not "losing face," which means losing prestige, dignity, and reputation. For example, when the meaning of an instruction gets lost in translation and, as a result, a mistake is committed, a Chinese person would either try to cover it up by making up an excuse that would not involve an admission that he/she misunderstood the instruction, or he/she would just stay silent and pretend that there was no mistake committed. They would go to great lengths to avoid embarrassment and conflicts and, at the same time, to be accommodating and polite all in the name of "saving or maintaining face." To a foreigner who does not fully understand this deeply-ingrained trait, it may look like a form of dishonesty or deceit. In a lot of cases, they would rather stay silent, refusing to give an answer, when the answer to the question is a "No."
The Chinese also live by the saying "He who says the least says the most." Normal conversations would often involve mostly metaphors, allusions, intuitive comparisons, or hints, rather than getting straight to the point. They also always expect the person they are talking to know to read between the lines and grasp their meaning. At the same time, they try their best not to put anybody in uncomfortable or embarrassing situations. In other situations, the Chinese can be so direct and frank to a point that can be considered tactless. This can be perfectly exemplified by their wont to ask people they just met and especially a potential husband about personal information such as their age, educational attainment, profession, and how much money they make. And when the Chinese don't like you, they make it perfectly clear.
These examples, of course, are not of traits that should be automatically considered negative, unfavorable, or undesirable. They may, however, pose problems in a relationship when a foreign man does not have an adequate understanding of Chinese culture. And then there are those who, despite having substantial knowledge of its culture through years of living in China and interacting with its people, a foreign man may still find some Chinese traits and behaviors a challenging test of patience and tolerance. This would not automatically mean that he dislikes the country and its people, only that he also has deeply-ingrained beliefs and traits of his own that were influenced by his own culture and which do not conform with certain aspects of Chinese society.
When one has set his heart on finding a wife among the covetable women of China through Chinese online dating, he has to be ready to take the woman he chooses in her entirety, pleasing and vexing traits alike. After all, she would be doing the same for him and going through the same challenges of understanding and accepting his culture.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
The Watch Man
Advantages and Disadvantages to Online Dating
Conflict Resolution Training: Do You Want to Know a Secret? Listen
I was thinking about this because of an interesting encounter with a sane man recently. At first, though, I thought he was "crazy" and I was trying to figure out how to get away from him.
I was enjoying my coffee and newspaper at a neighborhood restaurant when I heard from a table near by, "Excuse me. Do you have the time?"
I glanced to my left. The man who had asked was seated a few tables away and was dressed in a stocking cap pulled down almost to his eyebrows and a dirty flannel shirt over a tee shirt that must have once been white but was now gray and stained. His hands, clutching his paper coffee cup, had apparently not been washed in quite some time. In fact, my impression of the man was that he had not washed anything in quite some time. The man appeared to be about 30 years old, although it was tough to tell through the layers of grime and beard stubble.
I glanced at my watch. "8:04" I said and immediately returned to my newspaper. I was certain this would be followed by an appeal for money and I thought that by avoiding eye contact, I could avoid him.
"Do you believe that my parents never gave me any money for clothes?" he asked to no one in particular.
I didn't look up from my newspaper. I was a little afraid. Should I ignore the man or just get up and walk away? I was debating this in my head, listening to my internal dialogue, when I surprised myself by looking the man directly in the eye and asking, in as nonjudgmental a voice as I could muster, "Why are you telling me this?"
A strange thing happened. The man's eyes cleared. I don't know how else to describe this. His eyes had appeared cloudy when I first glanced his way and, when I asked my question, they cleared. He had blue eyes.
"I know there's nothing you can do about it, " he said looking directly at me and with a conversational voice, as though I were his friend. "I just can't believe my parents wrote a check to a charity for $3,000 but they won't give me any money."
"What do you need?" I asked, expecting that I would now hear that appeal for money.
"Nothing, " he said. "I just wanted to tell someone. But I'll get even when they die. When they stand in front of that Man for judgment, I'll get even."
"How do you know?" I asked.
"I just know, " he said. "I have faith."
"Good luck, " I said as I rose to leave the restaurant. "I hope things work out for you."
"Thanks, " he said. "And God bless you." The sincerity in his voice was touching. He spoke as if he really did want God to bless me. He never gave any indication that he wanted me to give him money. And, once I really looked at him and listened to what he said, I never had any thought that he was crazy or dangerous.
What struck me was how sane this man turned out to be when I chose to listen to him rather than to myself.
I remembered when I mediated a conflict between the President of a company and his Chief Financial Officer. To me, they were as "crazy" as that man in the restaurant first appeared. It was obvious that they were saying the same thing only coming at it from different directions. They wouldn't have needed me if they simply listened to each other.
Might this apply to other situations when we just can't understand why others don't think as we do? When we think that others must be "crazy" not to act or believe as we do?
By listening, might conflicts "clear" as quickly as that man's eyes had cleared when I listened to him?
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
How To Text a Girl - Real Texting Examples
How To Know If A Girl Likes You - Tips You Must Know
Is Online Dating the Best Method for Shy Singles?
The Rules of Texting a Guy
What To Text a Woman
Free Dating Sites: Best Is Now Online
The availability of the online dating sites combined with the latest technology advances has made it a far-sight easier to find true love than ever before. It is becoming ever popular for online daters to find their real-life partners after successfully joining and using the wide range of dating sites. In the last five years or so the free dating sites have significantly increased in popularity and now you have such a wide choice to be matched with your ideal partner.
Here are some of the main features that you are likely to experience on the more popular free dating websites:
Matching to a potential partner via personality tests
In the process of signing up to a chosen online dating site you will likely have the opportunity to populate your profile with as much descriptive and helpful information as you are willing to provide. This allows you to offer the standard information of personal details, hobbies, appearance, job, ambitions, etc. However, some of the more established sites offer the opportunity to complete personality tests which means you will be able to more easily connect with like-minded people. Rather than having to search the entire pool of members, you will be instantly put in contact with just those that have similar criteria to your own.
Just make a connection with those that you are interested in
Even though the dating sites may offer a range of people to interact with based on the information gathered from the personality tests, you only have to make contact with those that you feel will make an ideal match for you. By making contact via the communication options on the dating site you have the opportunity to further communicate with those on the list that meet your requirements and demands.
Being clear of your intentions when using these sites
If you are just looking for a casual relationship or marriage you can specify this type of information on your online profile so that anyone who is making contact with the is fully aware of what your intentions are in relation to establishing a relationship. When you are clear with this information from the start, it is more likely to result in less disappointment and misunderstanding.
Making sure to stay safe whilst using the dating websites
If it does ever come to the stage of meeting up with a potential partner you met via one of the free online dating sites, then you really want to be cautious and make certain that an initial date is always made in a public area. Although there isn't usually anything to do the concerned about, if you do abide by this simple step then you should stay safe when using the sites.
Monday, February 18, 2013
How to Stop Workplace Bullying
Thursday, February 14, 2013
The World Of Online Dating Decoded
Surviving A Break Up - First Love Heartbreaks
How to Get a Date-Mindset
Why Younger Girls Fall For Older Men
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Women of China, Then and Now Part 1
There are still many countries, especially those that are still developing, that still uphold a lot of traditional values, especially those that relate to family. In some of these nations, the women enjoy equal rights and opportunities as the men, mostly due to the unavoidable influences of first-world nations; however, it is common for a chauvinistic mentality to still persist within the society, especially in very poor families with no or very little education, or even in middle- and upper-class families that are extremely religious.
Chinese civilization has been around for millennia and many of modern-day China's traditions and beliefs have survived this great country's countless leaders, the wars it has fought, revolutions from within, and many other turning points in its history. For most of Chinese history, the women have always held a low status in society. Their roles in the family were only limited to being an obedient daughter, a submissive wife, and a devoted mother, and they only served the purposes of producing sons and serving their family. They literally did not have a say about their own life and lived it only according to how the males in their life wish it.
It was only during the early part of the 20th century when the status of women in society was elevated and their quality of life slowly improved. In recent years, modern women of China have made even bigger leaps, pursuing much higher levels of education and greater career ambitions. They are no longer mere subjects in a male-dominated household. Sadly, however, they still deal with the challenges of living in a male-dominated society.
These brave and determined women who have chosen to put their desires first, instead of settling down as soon as they reached marriageable age and becoming full-time wives and mothers, pay a price for their ambitions by being considered undesirable marriage partners. While women of China have undergone significant changes in attitude and behavior, the men have remained mostly the same, especially when it comes to how they see and treat women.
In China, one's "face" or reputation is extremely important, especially among the men. Men looking for a life partner would only choose women who are demure, yielding, and with less education and success than they have. If the woman is working, she would be expected to quit her job so she could devote all her time and effort to meeting the needs of her husband and caring for her family. Having a partner who has achieved more than the husband has is unacceptable.
With the number of independent, intelligent, and career-oriented women, making a lot of money to boot, increasing in recent years, the number of single, Chinese women who are considered "not suitable" for marriage is also growing. Fortunately for them, the Chinese online dating scene opens up a lot of doors for them to explore and find a life partner. They may not be desired by men in their own culture, but these women possess traits that many western men find highly desirable.
It is still sad to think, however, that modern Chinese society still does not appreciate its own daughters, even after they have proven that they can hold up their half of the sky. It is even sadder that this society chooses to discourage and even punish its daughters for wanting and achieving higher goals and status in life. While for most of Chinese history, it is the great male leaders and thinkers that made possible its many periods of renown and glory and brought the country its many victories and to its present status as a world superpower, these men were still borne and nurtured by their mothers and served by their wives and daughters - women of China who were great in their own right, for sacrificing their own needs and putting their fathers, husbands, and sons first.
They say before you can expect others to appreciate and love you, you must first appreciate and love yourself. The modern and successful women of China are only beginning to do this and perhaps, in time, their society and the men in it will finally appreciate their real worth and give them the fair treatment that they have earned and deserve.
Staying Centered in Conflict
Angela writes:
"I avoid conflict as much as possible because I cannot handle the anxiety it produces in me, as if I am going to die, even when I am in the presence of other people that are in conflict. I am aware that I abandon myself many times because I do not stand or fight for what I believe is right for me. I know we are going to encounter conflict in our daily life, it is part of it and I do not want to keep on feeling small at the presence of conflict. I want to be able to speak my truth, ask for what I need or stand for what I believe is right. How can I transform this, that is, how can I handle the anxiety and approach conflict in a more centered way?"
I completely understand what Angela experiences, as I used to feel the same anxiety, feeling like I was going to die. It took me many years to understand what I needed to do in conflict to no longer fear it.
I used to believe as Angela believes - that I had to learn to stand up, speak my truth, and fight for what I wanted or believed was right for me. I spent years learning to 'fight fair' and not crumble in the face of conflict. But even with all that, I was still scared of it.
Now I know why. Now I no longer fear conflict.
Angela, imagine that you have a little girl and someone verbally attacks her, or others are fighting in her presence. You have two choices:
- You can stand up for her, speaking your truth or trying to get the others to stop fighting, or
- You can turn to her, embrace her with understanding and compassion, and let her know that she is not alone - that you are here and your wise higher self is here. You can let her know that whatever is going on is not about her, so that she doesn't take another's unloving behavior personally. If possible, you can leave the situation. If you can't leave, you can continue to focus on her rather than on the others, making sure that she doesn't feel alone, and that she feels comforted.
If you take the first choice, she will still feel alone and scared. It won't do any good at all to speak up for her or try to get others to stop. When people are upset, they are not open to learning, so whatever you say to them falls on deaf ears. You cannot get others to see you or hear you when they are upset or angry.
If you take the second choice, she will feel safe, knowing that you, as a loving Adult, are managing the situation and staying connected to her.
Angela, this is exactly what needs to happen on the inner level. The time to speak your truth and stand up for yourself is NOT in the moment of conflict. This is something you can do later, if you and the other or others are open to learning. Only when someone is open to learning will he or she hear you and want to understand.
When you take the second choice with yourself, you are staying connected with yourself rather than abandoning yourself. This is what your inner child needs from you to not feel scared. As you stated in your question, it is the self-abandonment that creates the terror, but you are confused regarding what is self-abandonment. You are still abandoning yourself when you enter the fray, fighting for what you want.
The only way you are not abandoning yourself in conflict is when you stay lovingly connected with yourself and your spiritual guidance, taking loving care of your own feelings. If you practice this, you will not only find that your fear goes away, but you will discover that you feel extremely empowered. This empowerment will help you know if and how to deal effectively with any others involved in the conflict, instead of reacting from a triggered position.