Overcome the Fear of Rejection

Too often, when I ask beautiful and intelligent women why they chose the man in their life, one of the first things they blurt out is that their man accepts them for their less desirable traits. This phenomenon reminds me of shopping with a friend of mine who is very self-conscious about her midsection. She doesn't buy clothing because she likes the design but rather because the clothing hides her stomach. My friend's shopping behavior is similar to the dating behavior of the above-mentioned women in that selection is driven more by flaw forgiveness than by value. We all have flaws, and although it's essential that our partner accepts us for who we are, it's equally important to evaluate whether your perceived flaws are causing you to limit yourself in the dating pool.

Have you ever not pursued someone you were interested in because you felt he wouldn't accept you because of your "baggage" (perhaps you feel you're too anxious/emotional/unattractive/controlling/uneducated/low in economic status etc.)? Your fear of inadequacy may have reared its ugly head from a lived experience where you were rejected by someone you could see a future with (that jerk!). Finding someone who can withstand your faults should not be on your list of criteria. Doing so creates imagined restrictions. It's impossible for you to know how your potential date will feel about you without actually giving it a try.

Beyond the fear of inadequacy, there is also another subconscious dimension of our psyche that directs who we choose to date based on how we perceive ourselves. According to research by Dr. Lars Penke, people choose their partners in accordance with their own perceived mating value. Your own perceived mating value simply means how "dateable" you believe yourself to be. Dateability is how you rate yourself in a variety of categories including: attractiveness, intelligence, social status etc. The results are simple - the higher your own perceived dateability, the higher quality partner you will choose. It is therefore in our best interest to enhance our dateability, rather than simply settling for your current perception of yourself and therefore settling for the partner you choose. Every day is an opportunity to grow and evolve, if you focus on consciously improving your perceived shortcomings that are within your control, you will inevitably feel better about yourself and your own perceived mating value will increase. The return on investment is huge as you will choose a higher quality man. There are also extended benefits to increasing your mating value since the research shows that the opposite sex will look more favorably on picky daters.