In David Keirsey's book, "Please Understand Me II", he talks about which temperament types are best suited for each other and we are in agreement that his format is very accurate. Keirsey has 4 basic temperament types, the Rational, the Artisan, the Idealist and the Guardian, with four variances of each category; the introvert, extrovert, judgmental, etc. However, for the purpose of this paper, we wish to add one more element, compatibility, that we think has as much impact on relationships as anything else, relationship in this sense being defined as marriage, dating, work or friendship.
When discussing relationships one must understand that each individual's upbringing has a bearing on the temperament types. For example, the Rational and the Idealist are what is considered by some as "Soul Mates;" however, if one individual is raised as a religious believer and the other as an atheist then, in most cases the soul mate connection is likely to be overlooked. If two Idealists meet they are considered "two peas in a pod", theoretically they would be a perfect match; however, if one individual is into drugs or alcohol and the other is not, then again, the connection can be lost.
Some of the best authors on relationships have written about getting along with each other by sharing, caring and respecting the other and it is worth noting that, in any balanced relationship there generally cannot be a 'Me', but a 'We' for the relationship to thrive. However, it bears saying that some relationships thrive better on the "Me" and "Me" relationship rather than the "We" relationship. When this temperament type occurs, the "Me" and "Me" combination, a phenomenon is formed called narcissistic temperament.
After many years of study and observation of temperament and personality types we have come to the conclusion that two people suffering the same disorder can make a perfect match. According to Heinz Kohut (1939 - 1981), in early childhood the individual has two basic narcissistic needs; the need for approval and validation from the environment of the subject's sense of grandiosity and omnipotence and, the need for a dialyzable external self-object to identify and fuse with as he constructs a stable sense of self. If this approval doesn't occur in their developmental years it can lead to frustration and a sense of low self-worth and inadequacy. To compensate for the lack of self-worth and the individual will externalize these feelings and blame others for their failures and shortcomings, making life almost intolerable for people around them. Therefore, individuals in any type of relationship with them must either, bow to their demands, leave or develop a great tolerance.
However, people with narcissistic traits can have a meaningful emotional connection with a person that has similar traits. Since each party feels a sense of grandiosity and omnipotence they 'feed' off each other by telling each other how wonderful, smart or beautiful they are, thus fulfilling their own need of self-worth while, in actuality, providing the attention they themselves crave. On the other hand, others, that do not 'feed' this neediness, challenges their knowledge base or, bow to the narcissist all-knowing wisdom, the individual, will be shunned. The narcissist will not listen to any advice, in relationships or most any endeavor but will learn strictly by trial and error to protect their fragile and tenuous hold on their self-worth. Contact with the non-conformist will be avoided while at the same time expressing negatives or stating that they could have performed better to make the other look bad and make themselves look better. The partner in the "Me/Me" relationship will completely understand the consternation of the other because of their shared narcissism; "How could it be any other way?"
In some groups there seems to always be someone that is described as "self-centered", "egotistical", or just plain rude, and others seem to be hesitant to associate with him or her. When a best friend or spouse is asked about this behavior the likely answer will be "They are just misunderstood, they seem like a nice person to me". The individual making that statement has either great insight, is also a narcissist, has low self-esteem or has just decided to bow to the authority of the narcissist.
The formation of a relationship that is based on the narcissistic temperament can be very rewarding for the individuals involved when nurtured and developed in the correct environment. A relationship that is based within the world of "You are Me and I am You" can be conducted in an inclusive world where only those two enclosed in the relationship share a very romantic, fantasy-like existence of symbolic self-importance without ever concerning themselves about what those around them are thinking of them. Further, they can conduct their lives in a way that fulfills exactly what they need; a reflection of self.
For more on narcissism go to: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
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