Good relationships don't just happen; says Dr. Margaret Paul. In general people think if they need to work on their relationships, then it is not the right relationship for them! However just as we need to work on having a good health through physical exercise, proper diet and proper emotions, a good relationship also requires enough care and nurturing.
No matter how sweet and beloved our partner might be, there will still be shortcomings. There is a saying that Roses always come with Thorns! Although it might not be possible to remove the problems in relationships completely, we can still learn how to handle the difficult situations to save our relationship from a breakdown.
According to Grand Master Choa Kok Sui, one of the major reasons why a marriage or a relationship tends to breakdown is because one or both the parties tend to use each other as a "psychic garbage can." This means that if one experiences an extremely stressful day or if one is emotionally hurt by a third person, upon returning home the normal best solution seems to consciously or unconsciously dumping or releasing the stress or psychic garbage on the other partner. The result is normally heated exchange of words and in some cases physical violence. The effect is eventually a breakdown in a marriage or a relationship.
Basically a strong and healthy relationship is one of the best supports in life. As a good relationship can improve all the aspects of life and bring good health, happiness and peace of mind, an inharmonious relationship can also be a tremendous drain. Therefore it is necessary to take care of our relationships and look at them as an investment to achieve greater happiness in life.
1. Know, accept and love yourself
This is one of the basic requirements for a healthy relationship. Often we start a relationship in pursuit of happiness; expecting the other person to make us happy and if we don't find expected happiness, we tend to get disappointed and change the relationship. However real happiness comes from inside!
This is one of the important choices that you can take to improve your relationship. It means you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs, that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions. This happens when you learn to treat yourself with kindness, caring, and acceptance instead of self-judgment which always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you.
If you don't know your own needs, wants, qualities and limitations, and more importantly if you don't love yourself you seek relationships as a source of own validation. The effect of such attitude will be aggressiveness, possessiveness, disappointment and unhappiness in a relationship. Even if you change your partner, since the cause and the need for self-validation is still in you, the second relationship will fall into the same pattern as the first one.
If you know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, and if you love yourself for what you are, it is much easier to love people as they are and to accept their shortcomings.
This will also enables you to become open to change and feedback. When you have low self-confidence or even pride, upon receiving any feedback or comment you tend to react. Remember that we are all evolving, and our relationship is evolving with us. It is OK to make mistake! Just learn from your mistake and move on!
When you learn how to take full responsibility of yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets.
2. Know your partner
We have been born and grown up in different environments, with different backgrounds and ideas. Each person is a unique being and has a unique language of life. In every relationship it is extremely important to know the other person, his preferences and his language of life.
Often problems in relationships happen because of misunderstandings and misconceptions. Showing love has different meanings for different people. One can feel loved by a hug or a kiss or a physical touch, while another might feel loved through a present or a written poem.
Often we think we are not loved by our partner because we are not familiar with their language.
In many cases also we hurt their feelings unknowingly because we don't know them; their liking and disliking. Pay attention to the nonverbal signals!
Relationships can be improved easily by caring for the other person, learning their language and trying to see the world from their perspective once in a while.
Sometimes it is good to stop talking and simply listen to your partner.
3. Learn to take the whole package
As stated earlier, Roses always come with Thorns! No matter how sweet and wholesome a person is, still there are shortcomings. Therefore it is important to realize that we are all human beings and we all make mistake. Each person has strengths and weaknesses.
If you have chosen to be with a person, you must accept their strengths as well as their weaknesses. You must take the whole package!
One of the techniques which can help you deal with the difficult times in relationships is to capture your partner's good attitudes and actions towards you and the good times you have had together by writing down or taking photos or video. This will help you have a more realistic view of your partner and your relationship during difficult situations.
4. Stop blaming other person, focus on solutions
Often we tend to focus on problems and blame us or others for any problem that occurs in a relationship. However, verbally repeating the mistake of another person is nagging. Nagging will not work! Instead of wasting your time by nagging focus on the solutions.
Think about the reason you have this problem, the lessons that need to be learnt, the required actions and corrections and start implementing them on yourself as well as your partner.
In fact according to Dr. Jack Dominian, it is better for both partners to share joint responsibility and work together to solve it. The phrase "the problem with you is... " should be banned!
One of the techniques that have been emphasized by many specialists including Grand Master Choa Kok Sui which can help is the visualization technique. Imagine the person behaving properly, in the right way. Remember words and thoughts have power. What you think and what you say tend to manifest! If you focus on problems only, the outcome will be more problems. Avoid excessive criticism. Instead, create the right image!
5. Consider the state of your relationship, have a relationship target
First of all you need to know the nature of relationship in general and its purpose. Relationships help you evolve, especially a difficult relationship; they help individuals develop patience, tolerance and forgiveness, stated by Grand Master Choa Kok Sui. In fact relationships are like playing grounds to help us develop self-sacrifice, self-control, patience, flexibility and tolerance, not just to make us happy. If you have a realistic and proper view towards relationships it is easier to handle the difficult situations.
You also need to know the state of your relationship. Is it only in the physical level? Do you have good communication with your partner? Do you understand each other emotionally?
Are you able to have deep conversations? Do you have common way of thinking? Do you have soul contact? You can know the state of your relationship by observing what thoughts and words come out of your mind and your mouth, and your feelings towards one another.
When a relationship is superficial, it tends not to last. If you think you don't have enough harmony and understanding in your relationship, it's time to do corrections!
Have a relationship target. Think where you want to be with the same partner in another 10 years from now.
6. Increase love and respect
The real cause of the disappointments, emotional and psychological ailments is insufficient soul contact. Love is the answer, it is therapeutic.
You must be realistic! Everybody makes mistake. Just forgive and forget and continue living.
'By giving a person love, you make them grow. Project loving-kindness to your partner and the person will bloom.' (Master Choa Kok Sui, 2004, pp. 27-28)
You must remember that when two people interact closely, there will definitely be friction. The lubricant is Love. You can show love to your partner in the form of loving thoughts, loving feelings as well as loving words and actions. Love can also be increased by praising your partner and using nurturing words. The more love is experienced between the partners, there will be more openness.
But remember, real love never looks for paybacks; when you give, give whole-heartedly.
7. Spend quality time, don't take for granted
Most of the times, we tend to take our loved-ones for granted. Only we come to know their value, when they are away from us.
It is extremely crucial for having a healthy relationship to spend quality time together.
Any living being and any relationship needs nurturing to flourish; if left alone and uncared, it won't survive.
The more you spend dedicated, focused and quality time with your loved-ones, the more your relationship gets nurtured. Quality time means your full attention should be towards your partner, you must show that you care.
Remember when you were in love, how you used to find time for your beloved. Especially after getting married, relationships lose their quality since both partners get busy. No matter how busy you are, it is extremely important to set aside specific times to be together, to talk, play, laugh and make love.
8. Meditate, especially with your partner
There are certain meditations available that increase the love and harmony within the family; one is the Meditation on Twin Hearts.
Meditation on Twin Hearts is basically a technique to achieve cosmic consciousness or illumination. It is also a form of service to the world as the world is harmonized to a certain degree through blessing the entire earth with loving-kindness.
This technique can be used to harmonize relationships as well as to bless certain place, city or country. Based on the collected testimonials, any relationship can be improved tremendously by practicing this meditation regularly, especially in a group. It is advisable for families with problems to sit down together and do this meditation on a regular basis.
When a person does Meditation on Twin Hearts, divine energy enters the practitioner's system filling him with divine light, love and power; making the practitioner a channel of divine energy. This divine energy goes in and out of the aura, flushing out the cloud of negative thoughts and emotions, thereby cleansing the aura.
As a result, Meditation on Twin Hearts gives you a better physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health, leading to a better relationship.
9. Speak out
Don't assume that your partner knows your problem. Speak it out!
Often we behave in a certain way to show our partner that we are unhappy! Don't fall into this trap. If you have a problem with your partner or an issue in your life, talk about it, express it to your partner clearly and in a proper manner. Sometimes we need to learn different communication skills to be able to express our thoughts and feelings.
You can also ask your partner if you feel and observe something in the relationship is bothering them. Give time and chance to them to talk as well. This will make your relationship stronger and help strengthen the communication between both of you.
10. Be responsible for your actions, learn your lesson
After childhood, we are all expected to be responsible for what we say and do. Unfortunately there are still many adults that feel safer and more comfortable to place the blame on others instead of themselves. This simple issue is one of the problems that can take the relationship into fail since after sometimes no one wants to be at blame all the time; besides it is exhausting to be around someone who always blames others but never takes the responsibility himself. After all the relationship is supposed to make us grow; if we do not take the responsibility over our own actions and behaviors, change is impossible.
One of the fast ways to improve a relationship is to remove the "blame game" and accept responsibility where it's due; then focus on solutions instead of complaining.
Remember that everyone makes mistake! It is part of life! Evolution requires time, process and lots of mistakes. So admit your mistakes, apologize and learn your lesson.
11. Keep it fun
Couples are usually more fun and playful in the early stages of a relationship. Especially after marriage, this attitude is forgotten as life challenges and resentments increase over time. Keeping a sense of humor enables you to enjoy life, get through the tough times easier and to deal with them more realistically.
Relationships flourish when people laugh together, play together and when excitement and humor is a part of everyday life. Stop taking everything so seriously.
Think about playful ways to surprise your partner. Once in a while try something new and exciting together and keep the relationship fun.
12. Don't react immediately, wait for the right time
In the midst of any argument or fight, remember that if you react it only worsens the problem. Stay calm and detached. Common response to argument is some kind of controlling behavior; both parties want to win, or at least not lose. However, the experiences have shown that controlling through showing anger, blame, judgment, resistance, denying even explaining and teaching is unsuccessful. The more we try to control, the more it adds to the conflict. The moment you react, you are psychologically entangled.
If you think your partner is over-reacting or even if you think you know the solution explaining it in the middle of the argument doesn't work. Since your partner is emotionally imbalanced at that moment, he cannot understand you.
The best approach is to forgive your partner internally, keep your emotions under control, calm down the situation, and keep the talking for the right time. Keep it in mind that it is not the matter of who is right and who is wrong; it is the matter of doing the right thing for the sake of your relationship.
13. Give each other freedom
Many of the married men and women complain about losing their freedom after marriage. Although a person in a relationship might not be as free as a bachelor because of responsibilities and commitments, don't make it harder for your partner by being too possessive.
In any relationship there should be freedom. Freedom is the greatest gift one human being can give to another. Real growth usually happens when we feel free.
Don't be afraid that if you give freedom to your partner they might leave you. Only over-controlling and too much limitation can chase a person away. Giving freedom is not a guarantee that the other person will behave the way you want him to, but it is extremely necessary that you give space to others to be as they are. This is a sign of respect towards others and must be practiced.
14. Take care of unfinished emotional business
If there are a lot of anger and resentment in you because of a deed of your parents, friends or ex-partner in the past, face it, forgive and let go. Don't let the anger accumulate over time.
Accumulated anger, resentment, feeling of abandonment and even guilt not only affect your current state but also affects your future relationships.
Do not be unhappy. Remember that the past is the past! Let go. Learn to forgive and forget. Let go and go on living. Don't let an event in the past ruin your current life and relationships.
According to Grand Master Choa Kok Sui, 'Inner Forgiveness is therapeutic. If you do not forgive, you cannot be internally healed. Forgiving heals the soul.' (Master Choa Kok Sui, 2004, p. 15)
15. Use healing techniques
Sometimes a painful event in the past has been so devastating that we cannot easily forget; or some emotional issues that are affecting our relationship such as stress, resentment, fear or low self-esteem seem to be very difficult to remove. In such cases alternative healing techniques can be very helpful to remove the unwanted feeling or behavior from your system.
Pranic Psychotherapy is one of the most effective methods dealing with behavioral and psychological issues. Its principles and techniques may be used to improve family relationships as well as save a marriage on the brink of a breakdown.
Pranic Psychotherapy is basically Pranic Healing applied in the treatment of psychological disorders. What we call disturbing emotions or thoughts are basically energy forms. Thinking and feeling in fact produce psychic beings which are called "thought forms" and "thought entities" that are real and can influence you and other people. 'When a person has a traumatic experience for example, the traumatic psychic energies produced are lodged in several chakras or energy centers which may in long run, manifest as stress or phobia.' (Master Choa Kok Shui, 2000, p. 17) Unless these thought forms and entities are removed from the system, using techniques such as Pranic Psychotherapy, they remain in the person's chakras and will continue to affect him and his relationship with others. Pranic Psychotherapy in this case can be applied to heal both partners and improve the relationship to a loving and harmonious level.
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