This time of year, we are hearing so much about New Year's Resolutions. The idea of starting new habits in January is all over magazines and TV. Naturally, we think about doing things differently going forward. We can have the best intentions, yet, ever wonder why people resolve to make a change and the change only lasts a short time? Has this happened to you and then did you criticize yourself for not having stronger willpower? If so, you may be surprised to learn that change is not about willpower and toughing it out. Lasting change happens when we're in a loving relationship. This is the transformational power of love.
What do I mean by The Transformational Power of Love? In order to make permanent, lasting changes in your life, you must be in a relationship with someone who is supportive. This means that the other person must be trustworthy and accept you as you are. You feel safe when you are with them. They are consistently with you, even when you stumble or fail. The person must genuinely care about your growth and be able to put aside their own "stuff" when they are supporting you. This person can challenge you to become the best person you can be. There can't be any hidden agendas. The person's primary motive for helping you must be your growth, rather than their gain. Of course, your supportive person is not perfect and will falter at times. It's also normal to have conflicts and find a way to work them out together. However, this person should be able to support you most of the time.
Who will give this kind of support? The supportive person could be your spouse, your mentor, a friend, or a clergy member. For many, this person is their therapist or coach. It is what we provide at Couples Therapy Center. As you come to know me and feel safe with me, you will talk more about what is going on for you. You will slowly tell me about what you truly think and feel. I am very attentive and you will know you are being listened to. For some, this is the first time they've been fully listened to by another person. As I listen to you, I come to understand where you are now and how this came to be. I will be able to understand you as I get to know you more and more. Together we will learn why you think and feel and behave the way you do. There is no judgment here. As you feel understood and accepted by me, even as you talk about things you struggle with, you will come to accept yourself. You'll know that you can fully be yourself when you're talking with me. Over time, we'll create a healthy, supportive, loving relationship. Out of this relationship, you will grow. Remember: people mistakenly believe they change when they put their nose to the grindstone or if they have enough willpower. That's not true. People change deeply and permanently when they're in a loving relationship with a spouse, caregiver, friend, coach or therapist. Our relationship sets the foundation for your change.
What do people learn in therapy and coaching? As we work together, you'll learn new ways to talk and listen so communication is improved. You'll learn how to understand and empathize with another so you are not just talking, but connecting as well. You'll learn how to know what you want and how to ask for it effectively. You'll learn how to know what you don't want and how to say 'no' respectfully. You'll learn what to do when your emotions come up. And you'll not just know these tools and what you're supposed to be doing, you'll really be doing it. You'll have practiced it so many times with me and have felt what it's like, that this new way becomes integrated inside you. This is how you grow. You didn't just read it in a book: you know it in your heart. You transform when you are in a loving caring relationship with me as your support person. Together, we'll model healthy relationships you can create elsewhere in your life. You'll know, firsthand, what it feels like and how to be in a good relationship. You'll then create more of this in the other relationships in your life. This is how love transforms people. This is the power of a loving relationship. Isn't it time you find that supportive relationship within which you can become the person you want to be?
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